Normally I don’t post much on my blog but books, books and more books. Today this post will be different.
First let me say that I truly don’t know if anyone really reads this blog but if you see this one like it or comment so I know. I am going to lay my heart out here for all of you for just a minute.
Most of you know I got a divorce and am now remarried. I miss my first set of step sons every single day. I think of them all the time and wonder how they are. One day I hope I can reconnect with them. Sometimes when they need me I get to hear from them even if it is not often. I am now married to my best friend and the love of my life and I am so beyond thankful. I could not be happier with him. though we all know that no marriage is prefect and why would you want it to be… But tis post isn’t about that either. Though I love my husband very much and ALL OF MY CHILDREN EVEN MORE.
This post is about my parents and I. A year ago today my Father passed away. I don’t know if I am allowed to say Dad as we have not had a relationship for a long time. I didn’t think you could miss something you haven’t had in a very long time. But I do, to my very core today I have been in pain and I don’t know why, I cant find the words to explain it…. maybe there are no words. My father and I became estranged when I was 17 and only spoke a few times after that. When I was 32 he passed. He never met his grand daughter or my step sons (any four of them) maybe this was for the best so they didn’t have to know the loss? However with that said I was never allowed to know my younger half brother who was a few months older than my daughter. I am sure they could have been wonderful friends.
I choose my path on not speaking with my Father on my own, he did things I didn’t agree with and things I would never be brave enough or stupid enough to try. Both of which eat at me. I knew I didn’t want to drink or smoke or do drugs. I knew from a young age that both sides of my family have/had very addicted personalities. I can attest to this in different ways. When I get my mind set on something or work on a project I become obsessed. Anyways…. my parents split up and it seemed to screw up all of us up in one way or another.
Both my sisters and myself. Not to include my Mom and Dad. However the one relationship that seemed to never be able to be fixed at all was mine with my Dad. I still don’t understand it. I wasn’t welcome at my little brother funeral, I wasn’t told about my grandma and my aunt when they passed so it is safe to say my invitation didn’t get lost in the mail for their funerals either.
Larey had a couple heart attacks, a stroke and heart surgery. This was no surprise with the way he lived life after getting out of the military. He is not an all bad person by any means. When my sisters and I were younger he was a great Dad and I can only assume a great husband, my mom never really talked about the days we couldn’t remember ourselves. He would let my older sister and I put make up on him, paint his nails, etc, etc. These are the memories I wish stuck in my head.
Instead I have the teenage memories, I am sure most of your minds are going crazy so let me lay it out there yes my Dad psychically hurt my sister, mother and I. Somehow you become used it, but not everything remained the same. I will leave out a lot of the harsh details where I lost touch with my sister for a long time. She is now my best friend and I would be lost without her. She is my idol. She had it worse than me, she got stuck in more bad spots than I did. However she came out of it one of the most amazing people I would ever hope to know.
I know this is rambling I am done with that part I just wanted you to have a bit of a background. I am by no means a perfect person nor do I claim to be, I can be a horrible person ……I think we all can at times. I am good mom, a good wife, a hard worker, but I am nowhere near perfect. With that said I could have and should have done so much more to fix my relationship with Larey. All the times he got sick and I would just get updates from my uncle or little sister, or when Larey got very sick at the start of summer 2016. I should have flown up to see him while he was in the hospital, I should have talked to him instead of the nurses. All the time I just kept thinking he is the parent, he did this he should have reached out to me. It is not my job, but truthfully I was so afraid of being rejected by him (for what would have been the however many times) that I didn’t. I sat and I cried and I called nurses and I talked to my uncle and sister. I knew how he was and my now husband helped me not feel bad about not going. But I knew I could feel it in my bones that it was the end, no matter what the doctors and nurses said to me over the phone. I think they got tired of hearing from me I called everyday to check up on him. I knew in my heart or hearts that something was going to go wrong. The only other time I had a feeling like that so strong I knew it with every part of myself was when I was pregnant with my daughter and I knew no matter what anyone else said it was a girl. But again I did nothing, I talked to my uncle and the nurses. At the time my little sister and I had lost touch and she was up there I wouldn’t speak with her I couldn’t. I was too afraid for harsh words or fake niceness; that just isn’t who I am. SO I did nothing.
He was in the hospital for most of June and the first part of July. He was released the middle of July. Sent home, take your meds, you will be fine, take it easy, don’t smoke, eat well, etc, etc, etc. I thought I was wrong maybe I had been feeling so sure because I don’t know maybe some part of me was happy our fighting if that is what you would call it would be over. But I think that now because I over think things. So Larey was sent home take care, come back if anything seems to go wrong. My Dad never got that chance…… a week later he died in his home. Surrounded by people who didn’t know how to help him. He was gone by the time the medical workers got there. Maybe that was for the best though I hope he didn’t suffer, no one can say for sure………..
My uncle called me late that night, they are two hours behind us. I was asleep I had custody court the next morning, so I had taken a sleeping aid and went to bed. When I woke up I saw I had a few missed phones from my uncle and a couple messages on FB. I knew at that moment that my feeling wasn’t wrong just ill timed. Before I even called my uncle back I knew Larey had passed. More guilt, I shouldn’t have taken the sleeping aid I should have heard the phone, I need to call my sister and my mom. I need to get to court and do the best I can for my daughter to make sure she is well and taken care of. I need I need I need……….. over think, over think, over think. So I dialed my uncle he didn’t even say hello when he answered he said “he’s gone” “it’s their fault” “they should have done something” after few minutes of that I was able to understand most of everything. I thanked him told him I would contact him after court and was it ok to give him number to my older sister. I went to court………. I called my sister on the way there, she is my calming force when it comes to most things. She figured I was calling because I was headed to court and was worried which I was but my focus had changed. How will I get to OR, who will plan the funeral, is this really happening. Neither my sister or I had cried yet not over Larey. At that moment we cried we lost it and I don’t know exactly why she was crying or me, but I knew nothing would ever be the same, so I went to court and the best for my daughter (I won).
After court everything shifted. I called my uncle, my sister and lastly my Mom whom at that point I hadn’t spoken with in over a year, again another falling out……. Anyway I called her explained to her what I was told and that was it. I spoke with my sister. She was getting a flight to OR and did I want to go. No I didn’t again because I am a baby, I am a loser who couldn’t face it. I thought I didn’t need the closure I thought I was fine. So my sister went and said her goodbyes tried to work a few things out. I called the VA to inform them, and my little sister went ahead with all the plans not including anyone but herself and friends. Death does strange things to people. I thought I would get a chance to say goodbye after but only things got twisted and Larey is still not buried and maybe he never will be. My little sister has him, they were always the closest. I feel jaded, I feel like I didn’t get something. I am angry and sad and hurt and so many more things. I wanted to tell him off one last time for all the hard times we were put through, I wanted to know why he hated me so much, why he never met his granddaughter, why, why, why… but mostly I wanted to yell and scream at him. I never knew I had so much angry and hurt against him and now how could I? He has passed how can I be mad at someone who is no longer with us? What horrible person am I for wanting this? So many unanswered questions. I thought I would be over it time heals all wounds they say…. but when you have these many questions unanswered time doesn’t seem to heal much.
I still feel guilty, I feel like a horrible person for wanting him to know all the things I have been holding in for ten plus years. My Dad is dead nothing will change that. Who would have felt better for me losing my mind on him? What would it have solved? But here we are a year later and somehow someway I still feel like I didn’t get closure. I didn’t get anything. Maybe I didn’t, maybe I did and I can’t see it…….. who knows.
I can forgive my father for certain things and not others. I have made peace that we would never be close and he wouldn’t see any of his grandchildren, but I guess peace for his passing and our bitter relationship I will never know where to go from this, do I let it go and not worry? Do I go to my little sister and talk to the ashes? Will any of that change anything? or for the rest of my life every year I will be sad on the 31st of July? I don’t know. After writing all of this I thought I would feel better but I guess I don’t. Maybe everything does take time, but maybe just maybe, I truly am a horrible person who will forever feel like I didn’t get something I needed?
For those who really truly read this THANK YOU!!! I have never laid out my heart like this before and who knows if I will again. I have a great life, a loving husband who I have no idea how he puts up with me, great kids, an amazing sister that I would be lost about, a great job, and an amazing blog. How can I be upset still. I thank each and everyone of you from the bottom of my heart!